hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
