you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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