why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
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I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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