If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
