It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
