If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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