I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
