Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
