I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We're too hungover to prance.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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