saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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