I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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