I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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