I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
