Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
