The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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