so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
