hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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