never play flip cup with pint glasses
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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