Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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