The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
