no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
