You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
