Your mouth is God's brothel.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
