I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
