My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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