i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
