I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
