Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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