I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
