if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
