She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Randomize
