Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
bring money and cleavage
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
