So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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