every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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