My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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