shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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