On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
