I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
