Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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