apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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