you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
