U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We left the knife in your bed.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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