If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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