I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
