So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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