Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
