You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
