So drunk its hurt
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
