the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
