piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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