I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think my moral compass just broke
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
