Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
