wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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