if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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