I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize