my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dignity is for republicans.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
