Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
