i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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