hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
