Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
