So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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