Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
