it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
